Resume: Groom of the stool

For a historical context of the Groom of the stool


September 22 2022
Buckingham Palace
London SW1A 1AA United Kingdom

To whom it may concern

Please find enclosed the resume of Robert Rich, the 1st Earl of Wardick and the 17th Earl of Rolland, Groom of the Stool to the royal family and Royal Wanker to the Queens children and Grandchildren.

With the untimely death of Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of Her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith’ I find myself as the Groom of the stool sadly standing with paper in hand but not no royal butt to wipe.

This is to say, my services are no longer required because her ‘hindness’ (a term of endearment I was privileged to use), “is no more”, “has ceased to poop”, “bereft of excrement, she poops in peace”, and “is an ex-Queen”

I am currently seeking a position serving royalty in the most intimate manner. I would consider employment wiping the butts of any of the following white royal families.

The House of Saxe-Coburg – Belgium (King Philippe)
The House of Glücksburg – Denmark (Queen Margrethe II)
The House of Liechtenstein (Prince Hans-Adam II)
The House of Luxembourg-Nassau Grand Duke Henri
The House of Grimaldi – Monaco (Prince Albert II)
The House of Orange – Netherlands (King Willem-Alexander)
The House of Schleswig – Norway – (King Harald V)
The House of Borbón-Anjou – Spain (King Felipe VI)
The House of Bernadotte – Sweden (King Carl XVI Gustaf)
The House of Windsor – United Kingdom (King Charles III)

Confidentially forces me to prefix all of my work experience with “allegedly”. I must officially state my work experience as “allegations” often unsupported by living witnesses. Say no more nudge nudge.

I can be reached at Buckingham palace by mail
Buckingham Palace
London SW1A 1AA United Kingdom

or at the palace by phone
+44-20-7930-4832 ask for me by my title Mr Rich The Groom of the Stool, or as The Royal Wanker.


Robert Rich
1st Earl of Wardick


Résumé of Robert Rich,
1st Earl of Wardick; and 17th Earl of Rolland, Groom of the Stool to Queen Elizabeth II (1962-2022)

Selected Skills
Discretion concerning Royal toiletries
Discretion concerning Royal infidelity
Discretion concerning Royal paedophilia
In short the front man for all sorts of royal pleasures.

~Leader of the royal Squat Team 24 hour support to her royal anus

~Calming voice when those around me are flushed with embarrassment

~Always available as a confident when there are royal pressing Matters

Linguistic Talent
Fluent in the Queen’s English and the King’s French
Able to report in delicate terms the most disgusting of royal affairs.

Technical “Behind” Experience

~Groom of the Stool to Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip
~Wiping the royal buttocks of Elizabeth and Phillip
~Disinfecting the royal ass holes
~Ensure the proper function of royal toilet, bidet, dildos, whoopee cushions and burner phones

(Alleged) Accomplishment of which I would be most proud ( if they happened, but they did not.)

Pimp to Charles, Andrew and the boys

Worked (allegedly) with the MI6 to hide (alleged) evidence of:
-the assassination of Princess Di,
-the paedophilia of Prince Andrew
-distribution of cash to Brian Epstein and
-Ironically breaking his neck while he was in prison
-the rape of 16 year old Virginia Giuffre and other young virgins
-Weekly updates to Ghislaine-Maxwell in terms of latest trends in the kink of the royal family
-Arranged for Prince William’ sexual escapades while his wife was pregnant with his third child
-Accompanied Kate Middleton after she discovered the affair where she got drunk, wore Playboy bunny ears to a nightclub, and fell down while roller skating in a gaudy, sequinned halter top. It could have been much worse if I was not there.

Royal Paedophilia

~I was allegedly rewarded handsomely for my work with wealthy financier and convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein
~Jeffrey was convicted of trafficked dozens of under-age girls between 2002 and 2005, allegedly for the royal family.
~I was allegedly able to arrange for Epstein a lenient plea deal for similar charges back in 2007 however its hard to keep a good man down.
~I allegedly copied his “little black book” with names such as presidents Bill Clinton and Donald Trump, Richard Branson, Michael Bloomberg, Courtney Love, and … 16 phone numbers for my very own Prince Andrew (Queen Elizabeth’s third child, and Prince Charles’s younger brother).
~It is not true that Prince Andrew and Epstein were such good friends, and I do not remember, the alleged meetings where Epstein would allegedly force teenage girls to have sex with him and the prince on three separate occasions.
~ I have no recollection of orgies with under-age girls at Buckingham Palace which were always vehemently denied as they should and I always had a good alibi for everyone.

Royal Wanker to Prince Harry

In my early years I was allegedly the Royal Wanker to Prince Harry and William. These are my fondest alleged memories of the young prince Harry.

~That Time He Dressed as a Nazi,
~That Time He Used Racial Slurs,
~That Time He Went to Rehab for Weed,
~That Time He Stripped Naked in Vegas,
~That Time He Got into a Scuffle with a Photographer,
~That Time He Got into Another Scuffle with a Photographer,
~That Time He Got Drunk and Fell into a Pool,
~That Time He Was Accused of Animal Cruelty,
~That Time He Allegedly Snorted Vodka!
~That boy was such a scamp.

William like his grandfather Philip were good boys if you can overlook the racism and assumed privilege of calling yourself Royalty anointed by God and deserving of special privileges because of your birth. But I digress.

The pimp to Prince Charles

Once of age the young princes no longer needed a royal wanker I became the Pimp to Charles II and pimped out Camilla to him, it was much work.

Both were married to other people, Charles would give instructions to disable his palace’s alarm system and ruffle the bed in Camilla’s official room. This way, she could sneak into Charles’ chambers…and everyone would think she slept in her own quarters.

Prince Charles would often visit Camilla at her royal residence (provided her husband was away, of course) though he used some mysterious methods to sneak in and out. These nighttime trysts earned Charles the nickname: “The Prince of Darkness.”

By 1986—five years and two sons into their marriage—the relationship between the Prince and Lady Di was toast. Charles sought comfort from Parker Bowles, and their affair became public.


It has been alleged that to allow for a lack of traceability all royal grooms of the stool are trained in Canada at the Royal Indian Butlers academy

Royal India Butlers
757 Laurawood Avenue
Waterloo Ontario

I graduated with honours, my honours thesis “Giving royalty their kink in an age of media scrutiny”

Family History
~My family have been grooms of the stool to royalty of Britain, Nazi Germany, Feudal Russia, the American South, and to royalty of Thailand, Burma and the Raj of India since Charles I in 1643.
~We believe in Racial superiority, the separation of the classes, the caste system, and the rights of royalty as ascribed by God
~The tradition has been “in the closet” so to speak due to public perception however with the rise of Charles the third I expect this viel of secrecy to be lifted.

Activities and Interests
~Practising the secrets and occult teachings of the Masters of Atlantis, and the secrets of Solomon. Practices of the royal families of the world that give them dominion over the masses, allowing them to live as lords, while all the rest of the people are enslaved.
~New England Toastmasters Club,
~Photography and,
~St Mary’s Hospital. Volunteer, 2014–present,
~ Oxford middle School Track Team volunteer coach.